On Fearing Failure

A fear of your own greatness is a door to a living death. I have one life so I shouldn’t have to die twice.

I guess the Bad Decisions video release comes as a huge to surprise to some. Those who know me know it was only a matter of time. And I guess now is the time. I've always known, but I didn't always feel in the right state of mind to pursue.  I needed life experiences but most of all I needed courage.

In my situation I needed to actually LIVE every single experience, good and bad, for my resting courage to awaken. I can't seem to remember a single day passing without hurting for what I want -- the chance to inspire through music. I tried so many avenues. I tried to be a music critic, I tried to start a music magazine, and other forms of music journalism.  I tried to manage artists (and still do) -- all without being completely fulfilled. All without trying the only thing I really burned for.

I was trying to live through other people because of an intense fear of failure. I think that's a monster to beat before anyone can ever intentionally try to inspire someone. A fear of your own greatness is a door to a living death. I have one life so I shouldn't have to die twice.

To me inspiring through music means a lot of things. What it doesn't necessarily mean is preaching or teaching -- which I know is an expectation people have for entertainers but also more specifically of me, given that I usually find myself playing Oprah a lot. (A New Years resolution I have is to listen more, so #ByeOprah).

In my mind, in the creative world I want to exist in, inspiring through music can just mean holding a mirror to the people's emotions. I try to say what others won't or can't express and most importantly what people are ashamed to express. See, when I decided to toss out my fear of failure, fear of shame and embarrassment dove out along side it. People want you to be a 16 year-old songstress and it just didn't happen that way for me. It's happening now, after I've connected the dots. It's happening now that I'm ready -- now that I won't negotiate with fear.

Sorry about all the cheese. That's just me.